Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 11/2/1998
Posts: 54
|
"To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Utah, which
she does not fancy). Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair,
MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders (county)) will appoint a Minister for America
without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those
of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
"sh*t".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank
you for your co-operation.
Signed,
A Servant of the Crown"
|
|
Rank: Elite Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 7/11/1998
Posts: 1,004
|
Kev,
does this mean we have to start eating British food?
John
|
|
Rank: Distinguished Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 11/18/1998
Posts: 174
|
I got the same message in my mailbox a few days ago, but mine ended with a "Have a jolly nice day".
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 11/2/1998
Posts: 54
|
I hope so, every time I visit the US, or more commonly Canada, I struggle to find food that you can actually live on. I have developed the habit of alternating between eating a meal in the hotel that is far to rich on one evening, and then visiting Subway the next.
Kev
PS, the mopst common dish ordered in a restaurant in England is chicken tikka masala. Oh for a decent range of Indian resturants in North America.
PPS, I am spoilt by having 2 Indian takeaways, as well as a Chinese, Turkish and Fish & Chip shops within 400 yards of my house.
|
|
Rank: Elite Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 5/25/1999
Posts: 607
|
I think you should stay on your little island and keep dreaming about what might have been since everything worthwhile is so close. When you get frustrated like this just go over and kick the Irish around but be careful because they bite back too.
You also might try a sunlamp this time of year. It will warm you up and put some color in that pasty skin. The next time someone trys to come across the Moat don't call us we'll just watch the fun on CNN. You know we'd still be the happy little isolationsists we were 100 years if we weren't drawn into your little Eurosquabbles. Our unfortunate world role today is not of our own inventing.
My apologies to the Austrailians if we've confused them for yourself. As for the Queen, we Americans prefer a more attractive look. Even Queen Hillary is a knockout compared to your candidate. The royal family could use a basic tutorial on genetics and the dangers of inbreeding.
I'm changing my mind on English as the official language here. I think we need to distance ourselves from the likes of you.
Voy a votar para Espanol como la lengua de Ustados Unidos.
Viva la Norte Americanos!
As you advise US so I advise you.
Always look left as you cross the street.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 7/27/1998
Posts: 55
|
Very, very good!
Where did you get the sense of humor? It's good. And you know obviously what irony is.
Are you really American?
Let me guess. You've been oversees for a long time. Or one of your parents is a professor in a New England university?
|
|
Rank: Elite Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 7/25/1998
Posts: 897
|
I think the food issue is the key point. By now many US citizens are fed up enough to support a take-over by virtually any government that does have a leader. But if we have to eat British food . . .
I am convinced, in fact, that the reason the British went out and established a world-wide empire to begin with is because they were looking for a decent chef.
|
|
Rank: Elite Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 5/25/1999
Posts: 607
|
Well you're wrong on almost all counts. With accuracy like that, it's understandable why the English severely limit firearms.
Actually I got my sense of humor from watching talk shows all day long. I'm severely overweight and don't have the intelligence or ambition to do anything else. I think it's inherited you know since we're all just descendants of the world's refuse. I travelled overSEAS once but I was surprised to find the rest of the world was not just like US. I won't go again until they come up to speed.
My father couldn't read or write so I'm told. I never really met him. He's on death row along with my grandfather and my uncles. They were selling and using drugs and gunned down a whole town of unarmed women and children and seem to have no remorse (but a lot of great looking tattoos I hear). I think they were also influenced by some movie they saw back in the 60's. That's what their lawyers said anyway.
My mother who is 16 years older than me kind of showed me the ropes on the couch potato thing. She dropped out of high school so she could support me and my 6 older half-brothers and sisters with a bigger welfare check. She really likes that Al Gore guy though as does everyone here in our central Florida trailer park. I think were actually moving socially and politically in your direction finally so you should be proud.
I don't know much about English food but I do love international cuisine like French fries. I think you call them chips. We have chips too but only the flies are interested in those.
|
|
Rank: Elite Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 7/11/1998
Posts: 1,004
|
Kev,
you actually ate in a HOTEL? Ha!
John
re: PPS - within 3 blocks of here, we have California (3), Japanese/sushi (3), Japanese/noodle shop (2), Vietnamese, Thai (2), Mexican (2), Chinese (8), veggie, classic US plate lunch (2), sandwiches to go (3), crepes, US 'comfort food', Eritrean, Korean (2), pasta, and cajun/creole. Plus a few museum cafes.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 7/27/1998
Posts: 55
|
Mama mia! How wrong I've been.
You are really exceptional, mate. I'm telling you.
With that so natural intelligent mind of yours you should show on that thing - a-ah - Who wants to be a millionaire - or what ever it is. You would be a smack.
And you got me on the overSEAS spelling. You know, it's an alien word for me. The French fries are alien food to me too. I mean, with all the bio-engineering that goes you never know what you are eating. Is it some cow shit transformed into fried pieces of potatoes - wow, do I spell this one right - or what? Who was that charming politician that couldn't spell it?
Stick to the French fries. You could add from time to time to your dietary that other ingredient of the American cuisine - the burgers. They are so famous around the world as being the only true American food and the beef has been genetically altered so many times to perfection.
|
|
Rank: Elite Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 5/25/1999
Posts: 607
|
Since your synapse rate appears to be rather low (and perhaps lacking the numbers required for common associative skills) I'm persuaded to be less subtle with my returns. My previous post was an attempt to exaggerate steroypes upon which you appear to engorge yourself. Your response is yet more sterotypes and erroneous assumptions about Americans.
Unless you can claim to have been clouded by ale or worse, you stand judged as a simple indivudual who reflects his countrymen in a poor light. If you (Jarman, Amazed, IBV, or whoever) represent the majority then more cheers to those who ousted your arrogant arses so many years ago.
You hurl inuendo over our bastardization of some simple imported quiz show as though it were one of the crown jewels of your country. If that's the height of Brittish accomplishement then sorry for ya' pal.
I'm proposing a new quiz show after reading the constant insults from the UK on this web site. "Who wants to go to Normandy again?" I don't think there will be any constestants though.
Adios MF
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 7/27/1998
Posts: 55
|
Wow, now you turned into a touchy American.
Well, I am not British. Should have been obvious from my broken English.
I was just trying to make some more fun.
In prove of that here is a good American answer:
Dear Sirs:
We appreciate your effort to reclaim the territory of your ancestors.
While some of us would like to think you should start with Northern Ireland, or even Bradford, the effort does not go unnoticed.
As a token, we will in fact allow the Queen to "resume" monarchial duties. I must admit that I am in the 98.85% that was unaware the Queen was alive in 1776, but in looking at her, am not surprised. But in any event, she and the Queen Mother may resume their duties, as they appear to involve, well, nothing. We would only ask that, as they age, they keep from stepping foot in our
carparks.
As for Mr Blair, we accept your generosity and ask that he spend the first month of his "getting to know America tour" driving through rural Texas explaining the 400% increase in gas prices. I wouldn't bother taking any of the unarmed London policemen, or even Lennox Lewis, for that matter. You think the Queen doesn't fancy Utah. We appreciate that we shouldn't be expecting him soon as the mere presence of rain has interrupted service of both the tube and the Gatwick express.
Now, in specific response to your proposals:
1) With regards to language, I turn to our unbiased neighbors to the north (I respectively ask that you pronounce the combined "th" sound rather than
lazily using an "f") for a dictionary, namely the Random House Canadian version. I find the word aluminum, taken from the latin alumina, pronounced ah-LOO-min-ah. Oh wait
a minute, here, at the bottom of the lengthy definition of aluminum, "also aluminium,
chiefly Britain." Strange parallel that. Sort of like a list of the countries in which English is spoken -- United States of America, 250+million inhabitants... also Britain. By the way, Britain includes Scotland, Sonny Jim -- we'll take the home rule option.
2) You are correct, there is no such thing as US English. It is merely English. Please continue to provide your version of it, as it provides us some comic relief for the 2.15% of us who have ever seen a television program produced in the UK. As for Microsoft, they've asked you to call back when your nation's GDP comes nearer to their yearly net earnings.
3) We have never had a need to distinguish the Aussie and British accents.
Australian is the one spoken by the taller, more athletic amongst you. The shorter, fatter, paler chainsmokers of you speak British English. Oh, and the athletes who don't
understand that the starting gun, rather than individual whim, begins the Olympic track and field events.
4) A noble thought, but I think we should start with smaller goals.
Hollywood should begin casting English actors. How's that? I think Roberto Benigni spoke more English in acclaimed feature films in the past year or so than all British actors
combined.
5) My country 'tis of thee. Sweet land of liberty. Of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died. Land of the pilgrims pride. From every mountainside.
Let freedom ring. It should be noted that I personally sang this version in an English pub LAST SATURDAY during a Remembrance Day celebration. Not a soul noticed the
difference. But then the Queen Mum was pissed out of her gourd.
6) We invite David Beckham, Darren Anderton, Alan Shearer and all the rest to come on over and sample a version of our football. We'll give them twice the normal padding and, to help make things more even, we'll have the American team
adopt a Swedish coach for the match. As for rugby, we thoroughly enjoy the sport. I hazard to guess whether too many of them would survive a full season playing
American football, but I'll tell you one thing -- their salaries would increase tenfold. But then that happens to any Englishman who moves to America. It's called work ethic.
7) No comment on the French. We kicked them out of our country approximately the same time as you. (ed. note: a few of us snuck back in)
8) Agreed. November 8 should be called Indecisive Day in England, as that was the day your Chancellor appeared to have written his speech giving in to the special interests and forsaking the environment. It should be noted that November 7 was the day of our election. We might also make a recommendation that England celebrate December 7 as the "Day it Was Decided We Wouldn't Be Speaking German."
9) You shouldn't be making love to English women. It is for your own good.
We will show you American women and you will know what we mean.
10) Please tell us why:
a) public schools are called private schools
b) West Ham is in East London
c) you insist on pronouncing derby and clerk with an "a."
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 7/13/2000
Posts: 69
|
After reading the above post and related responses, I felt I must respond to "A Slave of the Crown".
We must respectfully decline your inviting offer of hegemony, but we feel the sun has set on the British Empire. We have decided to offer ourselves to a more promising nation, The People's Republic of Rhode Island.
Now as for those rules...
1.) We have been pronouncing "aluminum" correctly, you Brits have been spelling it incorrectly, "aluminium". "Vowel overuse" is typical of the Queen's English, e.g., "colour". As for pronunciation, consider "Worcestershire" or, God, help us, "Chomondeley" (pronounced CHUMlee, for us Americans). Don't forget that old adage about people who live in glass houses.
I suspect the English really have no problem with our American dialect. They are just frustrated that all great English writers of the past century are really Irish (Wilde, Joyce, Yeats, et al).
2.) True, the OED refers to it as American English. As for telling Microsoft anything, you obviously have never called their tech support line.
3.) Is this similar to the difference between a misdemeanor and a felony?
4.) Sorry, but Hollywood has a strict policy about casting against type.
5.) Hmmm... I thought it was "God Bless America".
6.) The biggest difference between "football" and "soccer" is that "football" fans don't riot and kill other fans. However, since I am not a fan of either sport, I would agree to stop playing "football", if you agree to stop playing "cricket" and start playing baseball. You'll receive extra credit for not using an "aluminum" bat.
7.) Agreed.
8.) Truly, it is a glorious day for the American republic. We are leaderless, but there is no rioting and there are no tanks on the streets. In fact, it is very much unlike a British "football" game. God Bless America!
9.) You are about 15 years out of date. Today most "American" cars are designed in Germany, the parts come from Japan, and they are only assembled in the U.S. I notice you didn't mention British cars. That's the smartest thing you've said.
10.) Okay, but only if you tell us what really happened to Princess Di.
Signed,
An American Apologist
|
|
Rank: Elite Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 3/6/2000
Posts: 349
|
As a french guy, I am delighted to see the United States fighting with the United Kingdom and reciprocal :)
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 11/2/1998
Posts: 54
|
Beware!!!!
There are many in England that are disappointed that we did not have a war with the French last century. I believe this was the first complete war free century between us since anyone crossed the English Channel.
Kev
PS I am one of the few Englishmen who does own a gun!
|
|
Rank: Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 1/28/1999
Posts: 23
|
And with the US crime rate I cannot see why you are allowed firearms.
|
|
Rank: Elite Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 5/25/1999
Posts: 607
|
If soccer (non-American football) ever catches on in a big way I'm sure we will finally have to outlaw them.
|
|
Rank: Elite Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 7/11/1998
Posts: 1,004
|
Kev,
this century is still young... it's not too late!
John
|
|
Rank: Elite Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 3/6/2000
Posts: 349
|
PS And I am one of the Frenchman who owns lots of cheese. Beware! We could put them in the tunnel and use a giant fan to push the smell to your island .... :)
Should we organize mad-cow fights now that we both have very good specimen ?
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 11/2/1998
Posts: 54
|
This century ends at the end of next month. A century begins at year 1, not year zero.
Yours pedanticly
Kev
|
|
|
Guest |